The dark was never the problem
What 4am with my 4-year-old taught me about why you're stuck.
If you want to have one skill that will take you further in life and allow you to pursue your goals, emotional resilience is what you are looking for.
Why am I saying that?
Because I see on a daily basis how much people struggle with dealing with their feelings, and how this is probably one of the main reasons why they don’t move forward and stay stuck.
If you feel you have been on the same cycle for many years, you don’t see your business growing, you reach a ceiling and just don’t know what to do... the main reason is probably because you are stuck in an emotional loop.
Your nervous system is operating from an identity attached to feeling certain emotions and avoiding others. And there is no amount of new strategies that can move you out of it, if you don’t address your relationship with your emotions.
Your system will do whatever it takes to protect you from feeling the emotions it registered as dangerous.
The relationship you have with your emotions is not your fault.
But what you do with it now is completely yours to own.
This past week my 4 year old woke up at 4am scared of the dark. I went to his room and he asked me to turn the night table light on. For a second I thought, that’s the easiest solution.
But then a new thought sparked.
Is he in danger? No.
So why would I prevent him from feeling his fear by removing what he thinks is causing it?
I told him I wasn’t turning the light on. He wasn’t happy about it and started crying.
I held the boundary anyway. It was 4am and we needed to sleep.
But I said I could lie down with him and help him feel his fear.
We remove what makes us feel fear so we don’t have to deal with the fear itself. And that is the opposite of emotional resilience.
It’s not addressing the root cause. It’s removing the outside trigger to avoid the feeling. This way of being keeps us in protection mode more often than we should be.
Feeling fear is not the problem. Building a life avoiding it is.
You end up bracing yourself even when there is nothing happening, in the constant need to keep avoiding certain feelings. And this is what keeps you stuck in a never-ending emotional loop of playing it safe.
He lay on my side. I put a stuffed animal on his belly and asked him, is there anything dangerous here? He said no, but I am afraid. I said, I know. It’s ok to feel afraid.
Let’s feel it together.
And while you feel it, I want you to lift your stuffed animal with your belly every time you breathe.
I don’t think he made it to 10 counts before he fell back asleep.
So my question to you is, how many things are you avoiding in your life because you are really just avoiding a feeling?
A couple of months ago I invited my 13 year old cousin to become my pet sitter. Instead of paying someone else, I would pay her. She would walk my tiny yorkie and take care of her. She had a strong fear of dogs, and that was actually one of the reasons why I thought it would be a good idea to invite her to take on this role.
Was I putting her in any danger? No.
Her mom helped her a few times to come over, hold her, feed her, walk her, until she realized she was safe and the dog was harmless.
She doesn’t fear her anymore.
She could have spent her whole life avoiding dogs. My son could sleep with the light on every night.
But the dog was never the problem. And the dark was never the problem.
The problem is your relationship with fear. With feelings. With discomfort.
The only way out is through.
Your next level is directly connected to your ability to relate to all emotions in a healthy way.
It’s a practice.
Like any muscle, if you don’t use it, you don’t build it.
That’s what Radiant Flow is for.
Twice a week, we practice staying with what the system wants to avoid, so it learns it’s safe to expand.
We’re opening a few new spots soon. If you want an invitation when we do, add your name to the list here.
With Love,
Carolina